Dredge as a Way to Reconnect With One's Self

Who knew that a derivative netdeck could be so fulfilling, resonate so deeply with one's inner being?

Regrettably, on MTGO as in Life, Not Every Woman Is a Lady

LD is often the recourse of people with cash problems - not laudable, but occasionally understandable. But if you're able to afford Moxes and Burning Wishes...you're doing it to be a purposeful dick. Cheers Janet!

When Two Trolls Meet in the Woods

This is pretty gold. Check out the timestamps that show how often jwbx007 comes back after timelags for more, and how little effort he puts into his trolls.

The Heroes of the Just for Fun Room

In my travels across this expansive world, I have met many different people; some extraordinary, others less so. For every majestic king, there are hundreds of thousands of lowly vassals. Today, I would like to share with my peers the proud and the few that I have had the pleasure of meeting on Magic the Gathering Online. It takes a certain kind of person - a person with the tenacity to survive in the scorched environs of the Just for Fun room, a person with the courage to spit in the face of logic itself, a person with the integrity to sacrifice everything including their own pride just to beat booster scrubs in unranked casual play - to make this list. These are the Heroes of the Just for Fun room.

Supreme - troll decks (fows, armageddon, etc). blocks you if you win.

RushThatSpeaks - derivative stoneforge deck. will complain even if winning.

ryojimo - netdecks.

mvs1000 - bland large deck, will re-challenge with aluren netdeck if he loses.

bloom_meister - sore loser. will complain about cards that he himself runs.

Tiny_Spoon - netdecks, but blocks you if he loses.

Caparco - rude. horrible playing. will trash talk if he wins.

Blue Baboon - complete troll with a disturbing personality.

Arudis - OH guy. will trash talk/re-challenge with different (read: griefer) deck if he loses.

kejw - trash talker, derivative decks.

muggs76 - cloudpost eldrazi, but will complain about land destruction.

lowman02 - faeries, other netdecks.

Hatred - runs turn 2-3 decks, will concede any game that doesn't involve a perfect draw.

Pimbee5 - sits there and does nothing from turn 0. waste of time.

Mishra's Sweatshop - netdecks.

Punyhuman - will trash talk if he wins, blocks you if he loses. only plays 1 deck (ww).

god13 - netdecks.

Deathrax - runs death and t(hr)axes, will hang the game is he is losing.

Brainlessone - runs generic cloudpost with eldrazi, slaver. blocks you if you ld or win.

Fenris_B - generic cloudpost deck.

SavageMonkey - griefer decks.

davide2125661 - fows, jtms, thoughtseize, spell pierce.

funsize44 - fows, drains, libraries. self-fashioned "MTGO badass."

DrewHodges - "I want all my wins to be forfeits." no-win con griefer deck.

sealed deck - eldrazi posts, black vise, other netdecks.

KLH - griefer decks, will complain/trash-talk if losing, employs "physical threats."

virgin4lyfe - will most likely live up to his name. pure netdecks.

Mauri - only plays all-foil goodstuff decks and is a sore loser.

portman - netdeck/goodstuff deck, rematches weak players for easy wins.

marshall_applewhite - incompetent troll. brings eldrazi to games marked "no eldrazi," then offers, "block me scrub."

JAYerges - plays an elf/LD deck. if losing, hangs the game after declaring himself the winner.

Dilios - just an embarrassment to humanity.

lilsin_805 - netdeck troll. vault/key, landstill, etc, will defend his choices.

krazysang - brings flash/hulk to FFA games. hilariously immature profile message.

Mike123 - incredibly unimaginative decks, consistently hang games if losing.

YoursTruly - FFA goon. has something unpleasant to say about everyone. capitalizes random words. horrible player.

tutinoko2 - fows, jtms, mental misstep, wastelands, etc. concedes to any resistance.

andypbel - pure goodstuff decks, heavy ld, will concede if game lasts too long even if winning.

XxTommyDarkOxX - admitted in a pm to having a vulnerable ego, pure legacy netdecks, complains about vault/key.

ImpurestStewart - fows, jtms, etc.

BigWilly5555 - another self-fashioned "MTGO badass." entertaining to watch this guy dig himself into holes.

Mirificus - only plays tourney staples. usually observed beating down some poor new player's freebot deck. antisocial.

Providence - only plays vault/key. blocks you if you win.

ImKindaABigDeal - only plays vault/key. trolls with pms. douchebag screenname.

MTGO Heroes: Kroma

The best (or worst) part about Kroma he/she mentions playing Magic for about 17 years, which means Kroma is at least 22 years old. I’d wager the actual age is a lot higher than that.  Bear that in mind while reading the following transcript.

1:59 PM Kroma: u really want to push me?
1:59 PM Kroma: ill make u feel like a fool
1:59 PM Kroma: think it through
1:59 PM Me: do you feel pushed? Haha
1:59 PM Kroma: im likely so very much better than u
1:59 PM Me: oh no problem, give me your best shot :)
1:59 PM Kroma: 99$ chance
1:59 PM Kroma: %
1:59 PM Kroma: whats the best land bro?
1:59 PM Kroma: whats the best discard spell
1:59 PM Kroma: whats the best counter
2:00 PM Kroma: whats the best land destruct
2:00 PM Kroma: tell me something
2:00 PM Kroma: show mw how good u are
2:00 PM Kroma: waiting....
2:00 PM Me: these are all pointless questions. most of them depend on the deck and format
2:00 PM Kroma: no they aren’t
2:00 PM Kroma: the expose that u suck
2:00 PM Kroma: i warned u
2:00 PM Me: lol
2:00 PM Kroma: u cant discuss magic on my level
2:00 PM Me: stop being a kid
2:00 PM Me: seriously
2:00 PM Kroma: i know because u think delver is good
2:01 PM Kroma: i simply rape noob blue mages daily
2:01 PM Kroma: that think mana leak is good
2:01 PM Me: in tournaments?
2:01 PM Kroma: with CSAUAL decks
2:01 PM Kroma: that is
2:01 PM Kroma: i have a mono blue deck that has no counters
2:01 PM Me: i've played you before man, and you didn't do so hot to be honest haha
2:02 PM Kroma: and its better than most every blue deck i have ever seen
2:02 PM Me: i've also built rogue decks for tourney practice and have won
2:02 PM Kroma: in 17 years
2:02 PM Me: really now
2:02 PM Kroma: it storms all matter of scary stuff
2:02 PM Kroma: and would just rape a noob like u when its at its best
2:02 PM Kroma: u coudnt stop it
2:02 PM Kroma: zero chance
2:03 PM Kroma: i told u bro
2:03 PM Me: so please tell me
2:03 PM Kroma: sont push me
2:03 PM Me: haha
2:03 PM Me: hang on
2:03 PM Kroma: i eat u noobs for breakfast
2:03 PM Me: your e-peen is getting in the way
2:03 PM Kroma: no dude
2:03 PM Me: of the conversation
2:03 PM Kroma: yours is
2:03 PM Me: just calm down
2:03 PM Me: and listen to yourself
2:03 PM Kroma: you are the one who "thinks" you are good and know magic
2:03 PM Kroma: when i am the one that knows i am
2:03 PM Me: you will look back on yourself now in 20 years and regret
2:04 PM Kroma: no dude
2:04 PM Kroma: zero chance of that
2:04 PM Kroma: im sick and tired of you poser noob wannaves
2:04 PM Me: i can't tell
2:04 PM Me: if you're joking or not
2:04 PM Me: that's how bad
2:04 PM Me: this is
2:04 PM Me: haha
2:04 PM Kroma: i was sinning tourns here like 10 years ago
2:04 PM Kroma: can u say that?
2:04 PM Kroma: winning
2:04 PM Me: here?
2:04 PM Me: on mtgo?
2:04 PM Kroma: ya dude
2:04 PM Me: 10 years ago
2:04 PM Kroma: or 9
2:04 PM Kroma: something like that
2:04 PM Kroma: im that good
2:05 PM Me: 9 years ago
2:05 PM Kroma: i was innovating 5 color storm BACK THEN
2:05 PM Kroma: i am so very much better than u
2:05 PM Kroma: u cant hole a cansle to my knowledge
2:05 PM Kroma: ur lucky im drunk noob
2:05 PM Me: no, i'm actually not lol
2:05 PM Kroma: or i would be typing this like 2x as fast with no errors
2:05 PM Me: because if you weren't drunk you probably wouldn't be acting like an idiot
2:05 PM Kroma: and owning u ever more
2:06 PM Me: and i wouldn't have to deal with
2:06 PM Me: this nonsense
2:06 PM Kroma: u cant deal wiht this
2:06 PM Kroma: no chance
2:06 PM Kroma: u proved that already
2:06 PM Kroma: u can discuss magic on my level
2:06 PM Kroma: ever prob
2:06 PM Kroma: keep thinking delvers are good and that the meta is the end-all of magic
2:06 PM Me: seriously, how old are you
2:06 PM Kroma: u moron
2:06 PM Kroma: you know why Chapin is good?
2:07 PM Kroma: tell me
2:07 PM Kroma: he never won worlds
2:07 PM Me: what the hell kind of question is that lol. are you chapin?
2:07 PM Kroma: no
2:07 PM Kroma: im not
2:07 PM Kroma: why is he good
2:07 PM Me: then why bring him up?
2:07 PM Kroma: tell me
2:07 PM Kroma: because im making a point
2:07 PM Kroma: hes good because he innovated
2:07 PM Kroma: magic
2:07 PM Kroma: i do too
2:07 PM Kroma: im like that
2:07 PM Kroma: u are avopycat noob
2:07 PM Me: alright
2:07 PM Kroma: copycat
2:07 PM Me: i remember your
2:08 PM Kroma: i make decks
2:08 PM Me: increasing vengeance
2:08 PM Kroma: u copy
2:08 PM Me: nonsense
2:08 PM Kroma: guys like me
2:08 PM Kroma: who make them
2:08 PM Me: oh nah
2:08 PM Me: i actually make my own decks
2:08 PM Me: haha
2:08 PM Kroma: i mix up the meta
2:08 PM Kroma: u make it stale with your noob small mind
2:08 PM Me: hm
2:08 PM Me: alright you're starting to make
2:08 PM Kroma: i would crush u so very badly in a tourn
2:08 PM Me: less and less sense
2:08 PM Kroma: noob
2:08 PM Me: by the moment
2:08 PM Me: you should
2:08 PM Me: drink some water and
2:08 PM Kroma: how does oath work?
2:08 PM Me: get some rest
2:08 PM Kroma: tell me
2:09 PM Me: orchard tokens and blightsteel
2:09 PM Kroma: whats the best land
2:09 PM Me: depends on the deck and format lol
2:09 PM Kroma: whats the best 1 drop creatures
2:09 PM Me: again, depends on the deck and the format
2:09 PM Kroma: if u were here earlier i even told u
2:09 PM Kroma: no dude
2:09 PM Me: oh you said something like
2:09 PM Kroma: classic=magic
2:09 PM Kroma: only noobs limit their mind to STD
2:10 PM Me: welder or wayfarer, the former is limited to like 2 decks and the latter is just a joke answer lol
2:10 PM Kroma: is that u?
2:10 PM Me: hm, so you're saying
2:10 PM Kroma: well ur not totally hopless at least
2:10 PM Me: the world's best players are noobs
2:10 PM Me: well i can see
2:10 PM Kroma: he wasnt lol
2:10 PM Kroma: he was good
2:10 PM Me: why you'd think that because
2:10 PM Kroma: een if he sas "new"
2:10 PM Me: you're a drunk fool haha
2:11 PM Kroma: im one of the best magic deckbuilders prob on the planet
2:11 PM Me: but yeah, wayfarer hasn't been relevant in non-casual magic for years
2:11 PM Me: what are you going to pull with it
2:11 PM Kroma: u are a small fly annoying me now
2:11 PM Kroma: with your small mind
2:11 PM Kroma: i have made decks u cant imagine
2:12 PM Kroma: i could make u discard your hand turn 0 for u
2:12 PM Kroma: i could lock u out 100% turn 1
2:12 PM Kroma: other ways
2:12 PM Kroma: dont even try andf act like u know as much as me
2:12 PM Kroma: little scrub
2:12 PM Kroma: i have been playing magic for like 17 years

This continued for awhile along the same lines. I’ve cut out a lot of it to avoid redundancy.

2:17 PM Kroma: i dont even like discard
2:17 PM Kroma: i wouldnt play that
2:17 PM Kroma: but i knolw how
2:17 PM Kroma: i know how to storm about anything
2:17 PM Kroma: and i know that it has massive potential [referring to Increasing Vengeance]
2:17 PM Me: can figure out
2:17 PM Me: lol
2:17 PM Me: how does
2:17 PM Me: that make you
2:17 PM Kroma: untapped potential
2:17 PM Me: special
2:17 PM Kroma: u keep talking about me
2:18 PM Kroma: what happend to magic?
2:18 PM Kroma: did i lose u?
2:18 PM Kroma: sry
2:18 PM Me: oh no man, haha this was never about magic
2:18 PM Me: it was about
2:18 PM Me: the entertainment
2:18 PM Me: at hand
2:18 PM Kroma: ya thats right u are just a hater
2:18 PM Me: aka you
2:18 PM Me: lol
2:18 PM Me: no man
2:18 PM Me: keep going
2:18 PM Kroma: u cant hope to be the player i am let along deck builder
2:18 PM Me: i am thoroughly enjoying
2:18 PM Me: our conversation
2:18 PM Kroma: this will resonate with u
2:19 PM Kroma: even if u act liek it wont
2:19 PM Kroma: u know inside that i am right
2:19 PM Me: heh
2:19 PM Kroma: its ok
2:19 PM Me: kroma, when you wake up
2:19 PM Kroma: i see u guys all day
2:19 PM Me: tomorrow
2:19 PM Me: you're not going to
2:19 PM Me: remember this
2:19 PM Me: conversation
2:19 PM Me: but
2:19 PM Kroma: noob wannabe tough guys
2:19 PM Me: if you do
2:19 PM Me: you will regret it
2:19 PM Me: haha
2:19 PM Me: i guarantee it
2:19 PM Me: and if you don't, there's something wrong with your head
2:20 PM Kroma: u have no idea how tired of you noobs I am
2:20 PM Me: but i will paste it back to you
2:20 PM Kroma: all day with your way off ideas
2:20 PM Me: next time i see you online
2:20 PM Me: just so
2:20 PM Kroma: and stupid insights
2:20 PM Kroma: u are so sad lol
2:20 PM Kroma: but yet u think u are good
2:20 PM Kroma: ironic
2:20 PM Kroma: delver is good lol
2:20 PM Kroma: as if
2:20 PM Kroma: total noob view

Another redundancy cut.

2:27 PM Kroma: its just bad lol
2:27 PM Kroma: and so are u
2:27 PM Kroma: u are a flavor of the month douchebag
2:27 PM Kroma: and i have seen your type many times before
2:27 PM Kroma: think that someone wlse has it all figured out
2:27 PM Kroma: else
2:28 PM Kroma: aand copy them
2:28 PM Kroma: how about know theat they dont and prove them wrong?
2:28 PM Kroma: by making new deck
2:28 PM Kroma: thats what good players do
2:28 PM Kroma: like me and Chapin
2:28 PM Kroma: i make magic metas u simply live in them
2:28 PM Kroma: noob
2:29 PM Kroma: i warned u
2:29 PM Kroma: little punk
2:29 PM Me: go to bed lol
2:29 PM Kroma: remember that
2:29 PM Me: you need the rest
2:29 PM Kroma is not available to chat with you.

As promised, I pasted this transcript to Kroma later on under a different name, but was immediately blocked.

MTGO Heroes: Slagheap

Slagheap is an old favorite. He won't play against any black decks, and is notorious for lying about his nonexistent game descriptions.

8:18 PM STANLEY_IPKISS keeps this hand.
8:18 PM slagheap keeps this hand.
8:18 PM STANLEY_IPKISS skips their draw step.
8:18 PM STANLEY_IPKISS plays Bojuka Bog.
8:18 PM slagheap has conceded from the game.
8:18 PM No legal targets to choose for Bojuka Bog's triggered ability.

8:19 PM Turn 2: EnlightenedDeath.
8:19 PM EnlightenedDeath plays Forest.
8:19 PM EnlightenedDeath casts Wellwisher.
8:19 PM slagheap:  sorry you joined wrong table
8:19 PM slagheap:  thisisn't tribal format
8:19 PM EnlightenedDeath:  you are not posting these things
8:19 PM slagheap:  no
8:19 PM slagheap:  yhou are playing tribal format
8:19 PM slagheap:  this isn't that format
8:19 PM slagheap:  you joined wrrong table
8:19 PM EnlightenedDeath:  i know but it also plays under classic rules also
8:19 PM slagheap:  you wnat tribal format
8:19 PM slagheap:  yep and if platying tribal in other formats your menat to strat your own table
8:19 PM slagheap:  you didn't do that
8:19 PM EnlightenedDeath:  i want classic format and people not to complain
8:19 PM slagheap:  so you joined wrong table as this isn't tribal format
8:19 PM slagheap:  thats start a classic format table for your tribal deck
8:19 PM EnlightenedDeath has conceded from the game.

8:20 PM Turn 1: gabberhavok.
8:20 PM gabberhavok plays Swamp.
8:20 PM slagheap has conceded from the game.

8:21 PM Turn 1: LouN.
8:21 PM LouN plays Island.
8:21 PM LouN casts Voltaic Key.
8:21 PM LouN casts Mox Opal.
8:21 PM LouN casts Ornithopter.
8:21 PM slagheap:  sorry asked for slow decks [No game description was posted]
8:21 PM slagheap:  0 cost craetures aren't slow
8:21 PM slagheap:  havea good day
8:21 PM LouN:  oh, didnt see that, i can switch if you want
8:21 PM slagheap:  bye
8:21 PM LouN has conceded from the game.

8:36 PM NO_Life casts Sol Ring.
8:36 PM slagheap:  this was posted for no artifacts [No game description was posted]
8:36 PM NO_Life:  oh sorry
8:36 PM slagheap:  ca't use sol ring in this game
8:36 PM NO_Life:  i didnt read
8:36 PM NO_Life:  umm
8:36 PM NO_Life:  may i use that 1 green mana from it then?
8:36 PM slagheap:  k
8:37 PM NO_Life:  this game wont work if i cant use artifacts lol
8:37 PM slagheap casts Fertile Ground targeting Selesnya Sanctuary.
8:37 PM Turn 4: NO_Life.
8:37 PM NO_Life casts Impulse.
8:37 PM NO_Life:  ya...
8:37 PM NO_Life:  this a a artifact based deck my friend
8:37 PM NO_Life:  so... b/c i cant read may i concede to you?
8:37 PM slagheap:  bye

MTGO Heroes: Willythenilly

These are all consecutive games. Well, if you can call them games. Edits for clarification in square brackets, but otherwise these are verbatim reports.

11:48 PM Willythenilly:  blocked for using the most hqated commander in the game
11:48 PM Willythenilly:  i just want you to know you're a sad human being for needing to usde uril for fiun

11:53 PM Willythenilly:  blocked for monoblue deck

11:53 PM JWTucker chooses Sliver Overlord as their commander.
11:53 PM Willythenilly chooses to play first.
11:53 PM Willythenilly has conceded from the game.

11:55 PM dogaces chooses Teneb, the Harvester as their commander.
11:55 PM Willythenilly chooses to play first.
11:55 PM Willythenilly keeps this hand.
11:55 PM dogaces mulligans to 6 cards.
11:55 PM Willythenilly has conceded from the game.

12:01 AM Turn 1: MadOlaf.
12:01 AM MadOlaf plays Snow-Covered Swamp.
12:01 AM MadOlaf casts Pulse Tracker.
12:01 AM Willythenilly has conceded from the game.

12:04 AM Gentlemanic chooses Malfegor as their commander.
12:04 AM Willythenilly chooses to play first.
12:04 AM Willythenilly has conceded from the game.

12:07 AM __ProPheT__ chooses Azami, Lady of Scrolls as their commander.
12:07 AM __ProPheT__ chooses to play first.
12:07 AM __ProPheT__ keeps this hand.
12:07 AM Willythenilly:  blocked
12:07 AM __ProPheT__:  ?
12:07 AM __ProPheT__:  what did i do?
12:07 AM Willythenilly:  YOU HAVE THE NUMBER ONE MSOT HATED COMMANDER IN THE GAME
12:07 AM __ProPheT__:  do i ? i have no idea i literally just started this format today
12:07 AM Willythenilly:  AZAMIO IS THE MOST BROKEN COMMANDER IN THE GAME

12:09 AM Willythenilly chooses Rubinia Soulsinger as their commander.
12:09 AM Alturiak chooses Animar, Soul of Elements as their commander.
12:09 AM Alturiak chooses to play first.
12:09 AM Willythenilly has conceded from the game.

12:09 AM Willythenilly chooses Rubinia Soulsinger as their commander.
12:09 AM Seatown chooses Kagemaro, First to Suffer as their commander.
12:09 AM Willythenilly chooses to play first.
12:09 AM Willythenilly has conceded from the game.

12:14 AM elderurza85 casts Dissipate targeting Mirari's Wake.
12:14 AM Willythenilly:  blocked
12:14 AM elderurza85:  i see
12:14 AM Willythenilly:  it's bad enough you're playing an op commander [Sharuum the Hegemon]
12:14 AM Willythenilly:  you should hat least have the deceny not to run a bunch ofr counters
12:14 AM Willythenilly:  i pity your family for having to live with you

12:20 AM OkentheBard casts Helm of Possession.
12:20 AM Willythenilly has conceded from the game. [Note that Willy’s own commander is Rubinia Soulsinger, a creature that steals other creatures.]

12:40 AM Turn 7: CovenantHunter6.
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6 plays Swamp.
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6 casts Septic Rats.
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  blocked for infect
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6:  Huh?
12:40 AM Elspeth, Knight-Errant is being attacked by: Vorosh, the Hunter
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  blocked for infect
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  do you not unederstand that?
12:40 AM Willythenilly casts Condemn targeting Vorosh, the Hunter.
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6:  No I don't lol, do you mean Infect doesn't work on you?
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  no, i mean i'm blocking you for using infect in a commander game
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6:  Okay...
12:40 AM Turn 8: Willythenilly.
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  DO YOU KNOW WHAT INFECT DOES?
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6 casts Pestermite.
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  INFECT QARTERS THE GAME
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6:  Okay, calm down.
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6 puts triggered ability from Pestermite onto the stack targeting Rubinia Soulsinger ( When Pestermite enters the battlefield, you may tap or untap target permanent.).
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  YOU KNOW WHAT IT DOES
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  AND YOU STILL USE IT
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6:  I have a few Infect creatures, calm down
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6 taps Rubinia Soulsinger.
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  infect breaks the game
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  do you not get that?
12:40 AM Willythenilly activates ability of Elspeth, Knight-Errant (Put a 1/1 white Soldier token onto the battlefield).
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6:  It doesn't at all lol
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  hurhurhur
12:40 AM Willythenilly:  do you think a game beign won in ten damave over 21 or 40 doesnt break the game?
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6:  You know what, you have fun being ignorant and go ahead and block me, I'm gonna go play with someone else.
12:40 AM CovenantHunter6 has conceded from the game.

12:43 AM Mezlok chooses Balthor the Defiled as their commander.
12:43 AM Mezlok chooses to play first.
12:43 AM Mezlok keeps this hand.
12:43 AM Willythenilly:  blocked
12:43 AM Willythenilly has conceded from the game.

Bonus Track

12:47 AM DJElkind casts Damia, Sage of Stone.
12:48 AM DJElkind:  wait
12:48 AM DJElkind:  derp
12:48 AM DJElkind has conceded from the game.